The following is an essay that I wrote as apart of my Barrett (honors college at ASU) application. The prompt was to discuss how a piece of art or pop culture helped me to realize something new about myself or the world.
The Monster Inside Me
I am the villain in my own story, self-sabotaging my way downwards through pessimism and negativity. This reality breached the surface after little fourth grade me watched an episode of Monsters Inside Me. This documentary-style tv show featured exaggerated tales of deadly viruses and parasites that plague our water and food. Typically my parents watched it at night after I was tucked in bed, except one night when I awoke to get a glass of water. I stumbled into the kitchen and saw a graphic image of a teen boy’s stomach filled with maggots. Needless to say, I was a little traumatized. That image burned itself into my ten-year-old brain and left a scar. One that would ooze fear and anxiety into my bloodstream for months. The boy and his parasites snuck their way into my dreams and kept me awake at night. Every bottle of water, blade of grass, piece of food, screamed warning signs at me to the point that I became so petrified with fear I couldn’t function properly. Mealtime was a disaster for my mother as I would question whether or not the food I was about to consume was safe and ‘maggot free”. Playing at recess made my skin crawl as my friends stuck their hands into the sand. Soon enough every little thing sent me into panic just because I feared a parasite that wasn’t even there. In fact, I was so concerned with a disease I had seen on tv that I failed to recognize the one that was really eating me alive: fear. The fear of catching something prohibited me from enjoying life. I should’ve been living care-free but I was so stuck in my head of horrors that I couldn’t see the joys of childhood anymore. Reflecting on it now, I see myself go through the same thought process over and over again. I hyper- focus on the things out of my control, the diseases, the parasites, and fail to acknowledge what I can control. I can control how I feel and react, how I deal with the obstacles that are thrown my way. I didn’t fully understand that concept at ten when my parents taught me to not be afraid of Monsters Inside Me, but I do now. I can’t let the fear of the unknown control me, I can’t focus on what could happen, I can’t allow myself to be sucked into a whirlwind of terror. I need to instead, understand that life is unpredictable but my ability to focus on what I am able to take hold of can help me better navigate the unknown. While my skin will always crawl when I think back to that episode of Monsters Inside Me, the feeling of ease will soon follow in knowing that I can prevent at least one monster from myself.