“Be careful what you wish for.”
I’ve always thought of this cautionary phrase as a way to encourage people to be content and appreciate what they have. We see someone’s wishes play out in a movie, and everything is somehow worse, and they gain gratitude for their reality when things go back to normal. It’s a warning that supposedly emboldens being thankful.
However, another side to this precaution I never considered until recently is that when you get what you wish for, you realize that you may have been the faulty common denominator.
What do I mean?
I have always wanted to feel loved and accepted by others. Despite being an introvert at heart and incredibly independent, I have never stopped craving the feeling of having a plethora of people that I can connect with and love. But as I have become surrounded by these people and have collected a community, I still have a hole inside of me that feels unfulfilled.
It could be my hypomania creeping in that is making me more irritable, but even so, I can’t help but try and push away the thing I have spent so much time chasing.
The reality is that I have spent so much time getting acquainted with myself and enjoying the presence of my own company that I never factored in what it would be like for others to enter my space, to know me. There are feelings of unworthiness within me, and I feel undeserving of the love and care that surrounds me now.
And the shittiest thing is that I can feel myself excreting an air of coldness around me and I can’t help it. I don’t want to feel animosity as the people around me know me, and yet here I am. There’s a fear that I do not know myself enough to allow others to get a sample of who I am.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, that the reason I can;t enjoy my own wishes is myself, but it’s a necessary realization on the path to true communtiy.