If there is anyone who doesn't know how to read a room, it’s Snapchat. Nothing says “good morning” like a good old reminder that I was getting rejected right and left a year ago this month.
It’s funny to see where I am now compared to where I was imagining myself last year. If you had told me that I was gonna be at ASU and not completely hating it, I would’ve laughed in your face and then proceeded to refresh my email waiting for my college decisions. And I then would’ve choked on my ego after a target school waitlisted me.
I recently went home this past weekend (I say that like it was an excursion versus a 30-minute drive away) and my dad prompted a discussion on what I thought about how it all played out. And as much as I want to say I have regrets and I wish I had just done one more thing, I know in my heart that’s not true. To quote my dad, “You did your best for the time you did it.” And that is the only real thing that stops me from wishing I had done anything more, because for everything that I was battling, I did what I could and gave it my all.
But hindsight is always 20/20 and looking back on it, I can kind of see where I “went wrong.” For years I have had a strong sense of self, and I think I stuck a little too close to that idea of me and got lost in what it meant. I convinced myself that everything needed to have meaning and that meaning needed to be profound and I needed to be thought-provoking. In reality some things mean nothing and even if they do mean something it’s okay if it’s at a first grade level of depth.
I was under the impression that I was ahead of the game and was more “developed” than my peers. Call it a superiority complex or whatever, but I felt like I had to be more than what I was sometimes. And a year ago if you had told me this, it would’ve shattered the small amount of self-esteem I had left, but today it’s just a truth. Because there is such thing as too high a standard and that happens when you expect flawlessness in every movement and every word.
I’m grateful I didn't get into some of those schools and had to face the fact that I was pushing myself too hard because I have grown from it and am able to actually appreciate and see that growth now.
So whether you’re also stuck in your hometown for college or just got news that your dream school denied your application (because they don’t actually know you as a person), I promise there’s a silver lining somewhere.