I’ve woken up every morning, made myself breakfast, gone on a run. Enjoying the solitude of the morning, I’ve meditated and relaxed my mind. I was actually getting the opportunity to get my life right, get it on track.
But then one morning I woke up and I laid on the couch in my living room for 22 hours straight. I didn’t move or get up, just laid there avoiding my thoughts watching Netflix. I feel almost like that couch sucked the life out of me, leaving me empty and apathetic. For the past two weeks, I guess, I have been overwhelmed with total apathy.
No stress, no sadness, no happiness, just nothing. I’ve tried to get myself to care, to be motivated but it’s all gone. My capacity for feeling has shrunk down to a small pinprick that a drop of serotonin sneaks through on occasion. I feel like I need to be concerned by the fact that I am void of reaction, of drive, of life, but I’m not. For all I know, this is how I will live the rest of my life.
It’s funny how that works. Our emotions and how we feel. I’ve always wished to be rid of stress and sadness and all of the ‘bad’ feelings, but I am begging for them now. I just want to feel something other than nothing. So badly. Even if it means crying inconsolably for hours, I just want to feel full. To feel something.