I have come to a horrifying realization.
For the past 17 years, I have spent an appalling amount of time caring about other people’s opinions of me. To the point where I have curated an unrealistic expectation of who I am. I’m sure I’m not alone in this epiphany, but that doesn’t diminish the utter disappointment I have in myself for needing to come to this conclusion. Again. In the past five or so years I have reached the same point where I look in the mirror and see a face that isn’t mine. Maybe it’s just growing up, or maybe it’s my uncontrollable need to people please, that causes me to make up a personality that “everybody likes”. Either way, this moment leads me back into a cycle of reinventing myself just to fall prey to another faux persona.
I hate this stupid obligation that I have given to myself to uphold these facades, these versions of myself that are what I assume other people perceive me as. I think that’s why I’ve liked quarantine, this period of time where I am isolated and am able to fully undress my inner self and be unapologetic about who I am, which is ironic since I’ve never had to apologize for just being myself. Because of this time where I can really see myself for who I am, I have had a complete paradigm shift and can now see many missed opportunities that I ignored.
Now with all that being said, I have two options. I can forget about it and move on or I can continue to waste time and mourn the loss of who I could’ve been. Writing it out makes the decision black and white, but when actually faced with this unspoken choice, I bet that most of us choose to grieve over our regrets. I am no stranger to attaching myself to who I once was and weeping every time I remember when past me took the “wrong” path. The reality is that there really isn’t a “wrong” path, just different ones, and I am starting to see that now. There isn’t necessarily right and wrong decisions when it comes to how you live your life (disclaimer this is not in reference to crime or things that are morally wrong).
With that being said, as I look back at all of those “missed opportunities” or moments when I undermined my own judgment to be liked, I am not filled with as much regret anymore because I am aware that I have the ability to avoid those same “regrets” again.