Saturday marked four weeks since I moved into my dorm and entered the next chapter of my life. I can’t tell if it feels like it’s been a month or if it feels longer or even shorter. Either way I have yet to find my routine, my perfect balance.
I keep telling myself that I have found a good system and I haven’t burnt out yet or fallen behind so it’s not like it isn’t working. I just feel like I’m going through the motions and as each day goes by I lose a little bit of myself in the autonomy of it all.
I eat a sandwich and it feels like this is all my life has ever been, this one moment in time of eating this sandwich. And just as that moment began when I took my first bite, it’s over and I’m floating in a limbo between notable moments. Is that what life is? Just waiting for the next thing and hoping it brings you an ounce of feeling that reminds you that you’re conscious? Maybe, or maybe I feel this way cause I’ve only taken my meds twice while I’ve been here. That little pill bottle tucked away in the top drawer of my dresser is a reminder that I am battling two new life shifts at once. Maybe I’m just trying to ignore that part as I’ve done over and over again in hopes that this time I can successfully forget it out of existence. But I can’t and I won’t and I’ll just fall back into good habits only to fall out of them once more.
It’s strange. Knowing that I am on my own, living the life I have wanted for ages and yet I long for more. For something different. It’s almost as if I can’t allow myself to be content because then that means if I’m unsatisfied with how my life is, I am stuck there. I’m sure that makes no sense and I’ll read this back one day and cringe at the useless meaning I was trying to find while sitting in the smoothie shop I’ve grown too attached to. Either way I am floating in an abyss. Floating in a period of greatness and inferiority. A period of time that makes me feel like I’m thriving, unstoppable and yet weighed down by the discomfort of insecurity.
Four weeks and I can’t tell how far I’ve gone, if I even have. One month down and only eight more to go.