I cling to every compliment like a baby koala clutches it’s mother. I carry them with me in every moment, riding the high each one gives me until I latch onto the next. My inability to shake this dependence upon validation has given me a self-esteem of zero, if you can even place esteem on a scale.
Most days are layered with an indescribable feeling of emptiness and longing. A craving for confirmation that I am not whatever lies at the bottom of the barrel overwhelms me and I go out of my way to gain that moment of euphoria that floods my ego in unhealthy ways. It’s probably not a healthy habit to rely on, doing anything to get a little bit of attention from anyone. Yet here I am, unscathed and safe. So it can't be that bad right?
Right?
Even I can’t convince myself of that. The rationale needed to justify my actions is nonexistent and I’m grasping again. Reaching for something that’s not there and trying to attain the unattainable. But it’s fine, I’m fine. Really. At the end of the day I am okay, content, neither good nor bad. Which is fine, I can live with that, for now at least.
But that high from an unexpected expression of validation is all I think about. I want to stay on that high horse of narcissism that makes me sound self absorbed and a little like a prick. Because in those moments I feel like my skin fits me, like I’m actually living my own life. I feel conscious and alive. I wonder how long I can ride the next wave of confidence because this last one barely carried me through one night.