tw: eating disorders
I have been back to in-person school for about a month now. For me, school is a cesspool of insecurity and provides hundreds of nooks and crannies for me to hide my disorder in. So, when I made the decision to come back in person, I was terrified of what that could mean for me and my recovery process.
In the past, school made it easy to conceal my disorders. Skipping breakfast was just an indication that I was running late and having to lead club meetings during lunch every day just meant that I was too busy to eat lunch. Then with after-school activities and events, I could just tell my parents that I had eaten while I was out. School didn’t just produce stress from homework and deadlines and extracurriculars, but it also incited copious amounts of food anxiety in me. Being surrounded by so much insecurity and self-consciousness left me incapable of truly recovering and finding peace in my physical being.
I think that is why I loved being online so much. There was no one always surrounding me that I could compare myself to. It was easier to avoid those triggering scenarios where I felt I stuck out like a sore thumb and I could actually take time to attack the insecurities that lied within me. I was me and me alone left to face my own faults.
Thankfully though, I have been able to return to school pretty okay with myself. I eat lunch every day and don’t feel bad about it. I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to always feel like everyone is watching me consume each calorie and judging me based on it. I actually find a bit of enjoyment in socially eating with my friends and don’t feel the need to google nutrition facts for each of my meals.
To anyone else who can understand where I am coming from, don’t think that you need to have the perfect circumstances to recover and don’t think you need to be just the right size to feel happy. Take time for yourself, whether it be a few minutes or hours or a day or more, just take time for yourself to spend with you. During that time, point out all of the beautiful things that you love about yourself, and even if you can’t think of anything, just enjoy the company that you are able to provide because eventually you will be able to name a list of things that you love about yourself, I guarantee it.