tw: eating disorders, body dysmorphia
“You look good”. A phrase that seems so simple and menial at face value but holds more weight than one can imagine. I can recall almost every time someone has said this to me and for the most part, I wish I didn’t.
This phrase has been an affirmation indicating that I am healing in my disorder as well as a testament to my success in starvation. It has been a guiding light in my journey towards recovery, always leading me back to the beginning. I’m sure many people who have dealt with the pains of an eating disorder can relate to the anxiety that surrounds “getting better”. I hated being told I looked “healthier” and “happier”, it meant that I was gaining weight, going back to old habits. Despite the fact that those habits were keeping me away from the brink of death, I saw them as an indication of failure. I was failing to uphold my restrictions and maintain my path to skinny. Being told that I “looked good” meant that they could physically see the results of my healing and it stung on my skin.
On the flip side, being told that I “looked good” because I had lost weight or because I fit my clothes better was just motivation to continue the process of skipping meals. If I looked good then it didn’t matter how I got there, all that mattered was that I was there.
Either way, that utterly stupid phrase has been constantly stuck in the back of my mind, ready to pull me farther into my sickness at every moment. I know that it is impossible to regulate how people go about complimenting me, but I find it so fascinating how one simple sentence that I hope always holds good intentions can lead to so much mental agony.